-By: Alan Walsh
10. South Central Louisiana State University (The Waterboy)
Bobby Boucher was poppin’ off cans of whoop ass in this one. Although his mama didn’t let him play foosball, Bobby disobeys her and goes on to have what seemed to be 1,254 sacks in this movie. The rest of the players on his team were awful but the coaching staff was second to none….The Fonz and that guy we couldn’t understand were pretty solid.
9. Flint Tropics (Semi-Pro)
Jackie Moon kills it on the court and in the marketing department for the Flint Tropics. Dude’s got live bears named Dewey at his games and he hosted the Flint Michigan Megabowl …it’s a Megabowl, what’s not to understand? Monix kinda sucked but he did plow his ex-girl in front of her new boyfriend while he’s just chillin’ there watching…pretty ballin’ but nobody wants to see that. Dick Pepperfield is one of the top sports announcers out there. Andre 3000 should have just made another album like Stankonia.
8. Washington Sentinels (The Replacements)
Led by Shane Falco, the Sentinels worked their way into the postseason which is where the movie ended. The deaf tight-end is the man- the stripper/cheerleader gives him the global sign of getting a BJ in sign language. Daniel Bateman, the nutjob linebacker has an all-star performance. Nigel “The Leg” Gruff is the best kicker in the history of professional fiction football…smoking cigs on the field, God bless ya Nigel. The football’s like a one-man cold to Clifford Franklin…Clifford Franklin’s the only man catchin’ it, Clifford Franklin’s the only man coming down with it. “Coach, I look like I jacked off an elephant!”
7. The Prisoners (The Longest Yard)
For only having a couple of practices, the Prisoners were pretty good. Led by Paul “Motley” Crewe, the Prisoners went on to defeat the Guards just a day after the passing of The Caretaker. Nelly as Earl Megget was a sick a running back; Michael Irvin finally stops being a racist and joins the rest of the Prisoners. Switowski was hilarious but he likes “Little Michael” …. kinda creepy. The dude with the McDonald’s all the time kills it, “You actin’ like a real McAsshole!” The man, the myth, the legend….Mr. Burt Reynolds even appears in this version of the The Longest Yard. He was the star in the original making of this movie back in 1974.
6. Miami Sharks (Any Given Sunday)
In real life I can see someone getting their yellow Hummer split down the middle with a chainsaw by LT….I’m sure it happened at some point with a Giants teammate. Willy Beamen pukes his brains out in the huddle but he redeems himself throughout the course of the season. The final drive at the end of the movie is some good cinema. Dennis Quaid got that Scott Mitchell thing going on slingin’ it southpawed- that’s not a good thing. Their receivers were sick, Bill Bellamy, and T.O. in his first movie role. LL was the running back but more importantly, LT bitched him and chainsawed his ride.
5. Charlestown Chiefs (Slap Shot)
Hockey movies are the shit…there’s no denying that; it only makes sense that our first hockey movie on this list is the one that set the bar for all the others. The Hanson Brothers are extremely overrated but Reg Dunlop is the Wayne Gretzky of hockey movies. The team’s on-ice coach is roaming around the net calling Hanrahan’s wife a dyke and starting brawls everywhere. If you like brawls, you should watch RoadHouse. After you’re done watching RoadHouse, watch this movie. Here’s the goalie’s breakdown of some penalties: *watch this or feel great shame
4. West Caanan Coyotes (Varsity Blues)
Quite simply, the greatest 2 QB system in football movie history. All Johnny Moxon and Lance Harbor did was sling touchdowns and get whipped cream body sundaes from Ali Larter. Tweeter’s rolling around town with his dick out like it’s the thing to do. Billy Bob is sucha fat bastard but that’s why we all love him. Bud Killmer was a piece of shit, trying to kill poor Billy Bob.
3. The Mighty Ducks
As I said earlier, hockey movies are the shit and I think we can all agree that the Mighty Ducks trilogy is still THE hockey movie for people of our generation. Lots of talent on this team…even Averman. I still wouldn’t fuck with the Bash Brothers. Adam Banks and Dwayne Robertson had the ill dangle. Goldberg kinda disappointed me losing his job to a girl, Julie “The Cat” Gaffney. Charlie Conway’s triple deke was awful, but the “Flying V” will always be the key to every breakout in hockey. Russ Tyler’s knucklepuck revolutionized the game of hockey as we know it.
2. Eastern State Wolverines (The Program)
This is a solid team with some greats on both sides of the ball. Of course we start with Joe Kane, the coolest guy on the planet. He looked like Johnny Hollywood when he was on his motorcycle but he was a badass driving that thing on the side of the cliff with Kristy Swanson on the back. He smashes the dude’s face into the trophy case at the bar then gets pulled over for DUI and goes to rehab….quitter. Darnell Jefferson, a freshman, just rolled up on campus, stole bitch ass Ray Griffen’s starting tailback position AND his girl, who just so happened to be a young Halley Berry. On the defense, you got that sick bastard, Alvin Mack who laid the lumber aaaaand of course, Lattimer…. STARTING DEFENSE, PLACE AT THE TABLE, WOOOOO …. If the #1 selection were not made they would be second to none.
1. Cleveland Indians (Major League and Major League 2…..not the 3rd)
This was not a tough decision for the top spot. Unlike the other guys on this list, they did two movies and if you’re a real man, you know more than 50% of the lines in them. Willy Mays Hayes would have given Ricky Henderson a run for all his record numbers had he existed in real life. “Wild Thing” Rick Vaughn wanted Parkman, and he got him in the sequel. Rube Baker couldn’t hit sand if he fell off a camel but he was funny as hell. Thank god he replaced Jake Taylor…he read Moby Dick for the librarian….what a bitch! You guys think April is too early for Roger Dorn Night? And how could we forget Lou Brown and his first response to managing the Indians IIIIII dunno …. I LOVE THIS SHIT I MAY MOVE TO ENGLAND!!!